By Randy Gener
NEW YORK CITY | Let’s face it. He is arguably the worst U.S President-elect since the racist Andrew Jackson. Certainly he is the most graceless. A month after his upset win over the venerable Hillary Clinton last month left many people in shock, it turns out that he is also the Greasiest Canned Pig Meat since Spam.
So while Clinton leads in the popular vote, the maggot who defeated her in the Electoral College to win the presidency will for the next four years infest the dining tables of America.
A huge majority of us, couch potatoes and sophisticates, never gave a flying can of Spam about “The Apprentice.” We avoided it. We couldn’t hit the brakes, but when we saw it dropping in from the cable-TV clouds (rather like the way precooked slabs of meat were dropped in the dirt during World War II), we switched channels instantly. It’s bad enough that you cannot avoid seeing his grubby name screaming in front of buildings and towers and failed casinos everywhere.
Come inauguration day, however, he will attack cognition and take over our imagination. Night after desultory night, he will drub us with his uninspiring bluster and alt-right politically correct poison. His appearances in the U.S. news media, which in effect advertised him, will be incessant.
Think about President Barack Obama’s soaring speeches. Imagine how the fireside chats Franklin D. Roosevelt enamored ordinary Americans. Recall Bill Clinton’s folksy storytelling. For that matter, let’s rewind those videos of Hillary Clinton displaying her passion, strength of will and forthright intelligence. Are you with me still?
From now on, a Pussy Grabber-in-Chief will treat us day after day to unpresidential speeches, tweet-ocratic policies and “bigly” bragging. Inspiration and perspiration will pour out of his protruding lips with such Shakespearean oratory as
- “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
- “I think apologizing’s a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.”
- “I know more about ISIS than the generals do. Believe me. … I would bomb the shit out of them.”
- “And by the way we’ve spent almost $5 trillion over the years on trying to nation build in the Middle East and it has been complete and total disaster.”
All this from a guy who believes that waving hands while speechifying is the closest thing to getting a cardio workout.
A fat-saturated democracy at work
Back in the day, GIs were fed canned meat and complained about it. A veteran rifleman of the US 4th Infantry Division remembered how he and his mates were complaining about army food during the Normandy campaign in 1944 when two visiting Brits, without a word, lifted a slab of meat from the Americans’ mess, dropped it in the dirt, and then picked it up and swallowed it.
s/o to whoever installed this Trump statue in Union Square last night pic.twitter.com/Cldd4qkgyI
— James Michael Nichols (@JMN) August 18, 2016
The message was clear then. Look for a way to turn previously discarded pork shoulder meat into a marketable product. The message from the Electoral College is clear again. You idealists and patriots have nothing to complain about; this is fat-saturated democracy at work — a populist treat compared to what we get. And so it goes.
Meanwhile, the corner of Reddit devoted to ridiculous Photoshop jobs has turned on the President-elect, transforming a photo of our nation’s 45th president into everything from Jabba the Hut to the Queen of England — as well as various foodstuffs, including America’s once-upon-a-time favorite canned meat.
A new anonymous Instagramposting gnarly pictures of his disgusting face superimposed onto his body are making us long for the days of simply seeing the Republican presidential candidate in the buff.
You may remember the drawing by Illma Gore of a naked Republican candidate with a teeny-tiny dick. This past February, the same day he won the New Hampshire Primary, Gore posted the NSFW image to Facebook along with the caption: “My latest painting ‘Make America Great Again,’ because no matter what is in your pants, you can still be a big prick.”
This new Instagram account, which you can find here, chronicles what appears to be Trump’s busted cousin, who goes by the name of “Dinild Trimp,” a knotted wad of orange flesh that resembles the lovechild of a burned hot dog and an iguana. Not much is known about the brilliantly twisted mind(s) behind the Instagram — except that, according to the account’s description, he or she wants to “Make AGAIN Make.” Whatever.
Lately, the horse’s ass continues to prove that he is unfit for the Presidency. His phone call with the president of Taiwan was a major blunder by an inexperienced president-elect unschooled in the niceties of cross-straits diplomacy. His business enterprises could open him to foreign influence and tilt his decision-making as America’s executive in chief.
“There are so many diplomatic, political, even national security risks in having the president own a whole bunch of properties all over the world,” said Richard Painter, chief White House ethics lawyer under President George W. Bush. His conflicts of interest are without precedent in American presidential history.
His recent hirings indicate that he is not the true change agent that he angrily insisted he was. He now seeks national security advice from retired generals, and if there are too many, that is a trend we don’t want to see. Who else is he hiring?
A recent report inTime magazine says, “Of all the many potential conflicts between his global business and political interests, there’s one that stands out as a signature problem: Goldman Sachs. Connections with Goldman Sachs, a global investment bank and financial services firm, create conflicts for how a president might deal with issues ranging from regulations to taxes.”
He didn’t run for president because of “The Apprentice,” but according to the show’s executives and producers, without “The Apprentice” there would have been no candidacy.
He made gross reality TV before his campaign. After the elections, our politics will turn grisly, our daily reality grimy, our middle-class dreams grotesque. DespiteBill Gates‘s reported claim in which compared the President-elect to former President John F. Kennedy, he looks poised to make America groan again.
Want to see more? Click here: www.instagram.com/dinildtrimp/